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The Presidential De‘bait’ October 5, 2012

Posted by Mukundhan in kaduppetharaan my laardu, Paalitics & Bijiness, Uncategorized.
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The first presidential debate between Obama and Romney might have garnered the numbers, but it did leave the 67.2 Million Indians Global Viewers yearning for more. We understand that the White House, sensing the pulse of the viewers, is undertaking drastic measures to turn the campaign around. We at Jagajaljeera Times have insider information on a few and have listed the top 3 changes that could take place before the second debate on 15th October.

“Changes in a hurry, with Hari”

Alarmed at Obama losing out the number’s game in the first debate, the President’s office, it is believed has approached Hari (the South-Indian director) to provide the much needed support. “Hari Padam Statistics” as it is commonly known in Tamil Nadu is expected to be the decisive X-factor for Obama in the subsequent debates. An anonymous assistant director in Hari’s team claims that the director has already sent relevant scripts (including some on discussion with Murugadoss) printed in dot-matrix printer to the President. “Dot matrix because of the ‘pulli’ vivaram” he clarified.

Don’t be surprised if the President pulls off an “Ongi Adicha Ondra Ton Weight” to add punch to the debate.

Moderator – a ‘model’ solution

“Let us face it, Jim Lehrer just didn’t have it in him”, said a White House Spokesman before revealing that Jim was actually a stop gap arrangement. We have official sources informing us that Gobinath of Neeya Naana fame was the first choice for the moderator position. The Vijay TV star could not however get his VISA on time owing to the issues with the US Consulate in Chennai. Now with the Visa issues sorted and the official Vijay TV blazer / coat stitched, Gobinath is all set to handle the debate with the same ease with which he handles the overly enthusiastic participants of his TV Show.

You want a peace of me….

There are a few suggestions floating around that Obama might just live up to his “Nobel Laureate” tag and win the election the way he won the peace prize, by getting others to do the work for him. In what has to be considered a master-stroke if the news is for real, Obama has plans of packing of Romney onto a field trip with Green Peace associates to collect 1,00,000 signatures to save the forests. “Raam nee, vanavaasam po” is going to be the defining final line of the next debate, experts say.


ZNDB’s turn-over rate drops: Dhoni Penalized August 1, 2011

Posted by Mukundhan in Ball Games, Paalitics & Bijiness.
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Things seem to get from bad to worse for M.S. Dhoni, who is having a “Kann Dhrishti Ganapathy” tournament in England. Already struggling to avoid a match ban owing to the slow over-rate of the team, the Indian Captain has run into heavy weather with his supporters in Bollywood back home. Dhoni’s decision to re-call Bell and give him a life might seem like good sportsmanship; however the producers and the cast of Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara have taken offense as it practically disproves the theme and the title of their story. “This is when the bell begins to (take its) toll” lamented Farhan Akthar as Boxofficeindia.com reported a 2% drop in collections from the movie after Dhoni’s decision in Trent Bridge.

“The BCCI held a meeting this morning and has decided to compensate the producers with what they call the Mani (#Tamil) back offer”, announced Kris Srikkanth before going onto say how much he liked the Tamil movie Thanga-mani Ranga-mani. Dhoni was not available for comment on the incident as the captain was busy handling the issue of his bounced cheque. “He needs to improve his technique to handle the bounce”, commented Sunny Gavaskar cheekily.

“If only BJP leadership did a MSD, Yeddyurappa would have got ‘Bell’ary”, commented a party member who requested his name be kept confidential to avoid any BJP rapping. “While on the topic of the tainted Karnataka CM, wouldn’t current affair news induced by exposure to the mining fields be called Yeddy Currents?” questioned a Physics IIT professor while revealing an analysis that following home-boy Rahul Dravid and the massive time he spends on the crease is the main reason for the IIT JEE Conversion rate in the State to be less compared to that in Andhra.

In related news elsewhere down south, the TN Police have registered a case on the English Cricket Board (ECB) for illegal land grabbing. “The ground is Lord’s. It’s not only illegal but it is also against religious sentiments” claimed a chief law enforcement official.

Murdock blames Maran for News of the World Shutdown July 12, 2011

Posted by Mukundhan in All the leaks, G: Gravity of the Situation, Paalitics & Bijiness, Uncategorized.
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By Mukundhan, who is in a Pun-de-mournium (agitated state of being devoid of puns). Pliss to excuse the repeat puns!

In a startling revelation, Rupert Murdoch today blamed the Additional Deputy Leader of DMK and ex Communication and IT Minister, Dayanidhi Maran for the fall of “News of the World” (NoW). The media mogul addressing a press conference after the disgraceful fall of his favorite newspaper accepted to the allegations of phone-hacking but mentioned that the issue would have not snow-bowled into this crisis had they stayed clear of the 323 phone lines held by the ex-South Indian Minister. “We tapped a line that was barred. Now we are paying a price. After-all bar is a code #tamilpun” he mentioned trying to win an audience with the south Indians. “How were we supposed to know? 323 is not even a prime number” cried out an anguished employee who is believed to have carried out the mathematical modeling for the phone tapping. “This is what happens when you employ more than one hacker to create bugs in a line. It becomes a “हमbugproclaimed a South-Indian hacker currently jailed for bugging Mr. Pranab Mukherjee’s office. It is also believed that in a related development, renowned director and cinematographer K.V.Anand is also being investigated for his alleged involvement in the incidents which is ec’ko’ing the sentiments of all journalists across the world.

Dayanidhi Maran was unavailable for comment, while DMK Supremo, Mr. M. Karunanidhi mentioned that he had more serious issues to worry about like the sorry state of most of his party members in Tihar. Disgruntled by the state of affairs, he mentioned that he is ready to launch an anti-hindi protest all over again to protect the interest of most Tamilians in the New Delhi prison. “The curd was sour and my daughter asked the warden to make more #tamil. He apparently stood there with another cup of curd”, claimed the dis-heartened and slightly sentimental ex-CM and said he took namkeen from Sri Krishna Sweets to help Kanimozhi balance the taste of the sour curd. Suresh Kalmadi, also re-iterated to the sad state of linguistic affairs in the prison. “Even English is not understood properly here. I said “come here” to the jail superintendent and he ended up serving me less snacks than usual during out usual tea break”, he said. “It is quite an in-cell-t” commented Raja who is expecting that his other longtime friends from down south would soon give him company in the prison.

In related news: Actor Surya has moved to court against all the excessive investigative “Jo”urnalism

In totally unrelated news: Congress mastermind a musical quiz comprising of songs deva flicked from the Telugu film industry to tackle the growing fury in Andhra. The program is supposedly going to be named “Tell-en-gana”

Will this Chennai Medical College student put a smile on Congress’ Face? June 16, 2011

Posted by Mukundhan in Paalitics & Bijiness, Teething Issues, Unintentional Subject References.
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While Anna Hazare and the Congress still battle to build a consensus on the issues of the Lokpal Bill, a BDS fresher from Sri Ramachandra Medical College, Chennai has added a new dimension to the bill. In a formal appeal signed by the association of “West Indies Supporters involved in Dentistry Occupation in Madras (WISDOM)”, the student has stressed that the following demands be met by the bill:


“Government to undertake measures to ensure perception equality towards MBBS and BDS students”.

While the MBBS students are considered the blue-eyed boys of the campus, we poor souls doing our BDS are only called when there is an issue with Bluetooth connectivity. This inequality has to stop argued the appeal.

“Dentists to be actively involved in Government decisions on the Sethusamudram Project”.
After all it’s a Route Canal issue. And Finally:

“Subash Ghai to direct a movie featuring dentist in a lead character” aimed at reducing the bias shown by the film makers towards
doctors and the sheer ignorance towards dentists. Ghai, with his dental roots was the single choice of for donning the role of the director given his dental roots.

“This new development has shifted the media focus from Ramdev to this little known student down south” mentioned a press reporter. While the reporters shot down a dozen questions on the relevance of the demands to the Lokpal Bill, the little known student from Chennai answered them with absolute ease. “How could you name it Lok-pal (ombudsman-teeth) and not have a section to address our teething issues?” he questioned. “Anna Hazare and Ramdev brush aside breakfast. We just ask you to brush before breakfast” he winked trying to garner support for his movement.

“It’s quite ap-pal-ling the state of education in our country today” mentioned Kapil Sibal in a media briefing. The CBI (Common Board exam Inspectors) have just mentioned to us that this student had missed his medical college seat as he had wrongly defined “Rape” in his Telugu examination and now this is just a selfish pursuit by the individual to force the government to support republicans in the process of re-defining rape so that he could make his cut with a re-evaluation” he said.

“All Pall-aana matters” chuckled a local news reporter.

In Related News:
The Association WISDOM has filed a lawsuit suing HDFC Life Insurance as their tagline is more related to the Dentistry.


Kapil Sibal gets caught at (a) Silly Point!! February 11, 2011

Posted by Mukundhan in Ball Games, Paalitics & Bijiness, Unintentional Subject References.
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Warning: Still rusty from the break in blogging. Pliss to excuse mediocrity!

Students in Chennai today staged a demonstration against the Minister of Human Resource Development, Mr. Kapil Sibal. The apparent overlap in schedules of the ICC World Cup with the State Board Examinations in Tamil Nadu, and the minister being non-responsive to the petitions submitted for postponement of the examinations has been attributed to the frenzy. “In the month of ODIs, who needs Tests”, commented a student amidst chants of “ODI Po” directed at the minister.

The state law enforcement department was taken aback by these demonstrations. “The Chennai crowd is supposedly the most disciplined of the lot. We did not expect this”, said a senior police official. Yuhi Sethu, ace South-Indian Media Representative disagreed though. “The Chennai crowd is two faced. The people who gave a standing ovation for Pakistan were the same ones who named the street Che-Pak”, he said enforcing his eye for detail that he had donned since his Ramana days.

Kapil Sibal, meanwhile, in an attempt to respond strongly, rubbished the demands of the students and pledged to remove any force that deters education in India. As a follow up measure, the minister even banned Pink Floyd in India for their outburst “We don’t need no education”.

Sibal tries to get into a-chord as recent developments have landed him in deep waters!!

The move by the minister, though bold, added fuel to the fire and prompted college students into joining the rally against him. “Does he know that any object, wholly or partially immersed in Waters, is buoyed up by a force equal to the weight (gethu) of Waters??” lamented a student of IIT Chennai. “This is outrageous. He took a dig at Newton when he started investigating the spectrum. Now he thinks he can mess in principle with Archimedes?? We wouldn’t let that happen” vowed another college graduate.

Leader of the opposition, Mr. Advani, when questioned on the developments, smiled sheepishly and murmured “Eureka!”. “Rekha? Where!!”  jumped an excited Big B before being grounded by Jaya while the junior Bachan wondered if “U-Rekha” would have been a better catch phrase than “Get Idea”.

In other related developments: Buddadeb Bhattacharya has passed an order restraining the band Eagles from performing in India as he believes the band’s album “The long road out of Eden” instigated the ICC towards passing the order against the ground.