Breaking News: Director Mani Ratnam retires from all forms of film-making

Renowned director / writer, Mani Ratnam has decided to call it quits bringing to an end a startling career that showed glimpses of light (often mistaken as the ray of hope) over a substantial dark period. Lauded as an intellect in the film circuits, it is fair to say it has been a steady and silent rise to fame for this director. A visibly distraught Mani made the official announcement today, but not before leaving the media in a quandary with his mono-syllable inaudible announcement. The suspense over the inaudible text were however put to rest by Suhasini who clarified that the reason for the exit was the differential treatment meted out to him by the knowledgeable Chennai crowd.

We at Jagajaljeera times have reasons to believe that the response of the Chennai junta to the Shiva Trilogy and the Fast & Furious 6 movie, both of which are in similar territory as Raavan, as drivers that instigated such a response from Suhasini. Our correspondent analyses the two movies and the book on various aspects:

The premise: Rescuing a damsel in distress / facing Stockholm syndrome

Theme: Modern Interpretation of an ancient theory

 

Critical elements used

The reaction to the news evoked mixed responses, much like his movies. “The decision was imminent given the recent failures”, said Bharadwaj Rangan regretting not covering the aspect of retirement in his conversations with Mani. “However, the reason quoted is highly inappropriate. Blaming Chennai for his failings, what does he think this is? IPL??” he simmered. The tamil film industry decided to honour Mani’s contribution to the cinema by observing a moment’s silence and by re-christening the “Earth Hour” to “One Mani Hour”. The question “yen” by a curious incumbent in the audience was responded in unison with the answer “Deva”.

Quote / Unquote: “He fasts, he is furious and he should replace Jason Stathan in the next installment” – Anna Hazare Supporters

Ranganathan Street Conferred Padma Shri. WADA alleges doping scandal.

In a bizarre turn of events, the Government conferred the Padma Shri to the famous Ranganathan Street in Chennai. In a carefully released statement, the PMO office declared that the street has been conferred the title for the significance it holds in unifying the entire population of Chennai during the festive period. The State Government too appreciated the move and said that now Chennai could have its very own Vaikunta Ekadasi with the doors opening onto the Sorga Vaasal of Shri Ranganathan this Diwali.

The jubilation is expected to be short-lived however as WADA alleged doping scandal and declared the title null and void. “The street is an addiction and the cause for spread of Parkingsons (Common among sons brought as Chauffeurs to avoid parking hassles)  in the City” said a statement in the agencies website. “WADA PAVes the way” said a resident of the area with hopes of some reprieve. Some sections of the shopping crowd however were in strong objection and cried foul – a clear move by the North (WADA) Usman Road against South Usman Road” they said.

The traffic police, irrespective of the WADA decisions, have gotten onto their task of devising plans to regulate traffic in the area. The list below is a sample of the expected regulations this year:

1. Nalli, Pothys and Saravana Stores to be avoided:  Terming the three as the vertices of the Bermuda Triangle, where people get sucked in for just buying a certain type of shorts, people have been asked to express extreme caution while approaching these stores.

2. Push-carts to your door-step:  The police commissioner quickly shunned the online shopping debate and said shop-owners can bring clothes to the door-step of the consumer in push-carts – for old times sake. People however are skeptic for they feel “Push-cart owners are kada-thall mannars” and the safety of the city could be compromised.

3. Eat Healthy, Shop Easy: The only known way to reduce traffic in T.Nagar has been through Subways. So the local administration have signed up a few sub-way stores in the region. The multi-national outlet has also decided to take a few steps to localize its menu.  “We serve you the grandmother platter starting with our sub of the day – Aloo Paati” the store manager said.

It is all shaping up to be one cracker of a Diwali nonetheless 🙂 Happy shopping you all 🙂

The Presidential De‘bait’

The first presidential debate between Obama and Romney might have garnered the numbers, but it did leave the 67.2 Million Indians Global Viewers yearning for more. We understand that the White House, sensing the pulse of the viewers, is undertaking drastic measures to turn the campaign around. We at Jagajaljeera Times have insider information on a few and have listed the top 3 changes that could take place before the second debate on 15^th October.

“Changes in a hurry, with Hari”

Alarmed at Obama losing out the number’s game in the first debate, the President’s office, it is believed has approached Hari (the South-Indian director) to provide the much needed support. “Hari Padam Statistics” as it is commonly known in Tamil Nadu is expected to be the decisive X-factor for Obama in the subsequent debates. An anonymous assistant director in Hari’s team claims that the director has already sent relevant scripts (including some on discussion with Murugadoss) printed in dot-matrix printer to the President. “Dot matrix because of the ‘pulli’ vivaram” he clarified.

Don’t be surprised if the President pulls off an “Ongi Adicha Ondra Ton Weight” to add punch to the debate.

Moderator – a ‘model’ solution

“Let us face it, Jim Lehrer just didn’t have it in him”, said a White House Spokesman before revealing that Jim was actually a stop gap arrangement. We have official sources informing us that Gobinath of Neeya Naana fame was the first choice for the moderator position. The Vijay TV star could not however get his VISA on time owing to the issues with the US Consulate in Chennai. Now with the Visa issues sorted and the official Vijay TV blazer / coat stitched, Gobinath is all set to handle the debate with the same ease with which he handles the overly enthusiastic participants of his TV Show.

You want a peace of me….

There are a few suggestions floating around that Obama might just live up to his “Nobel Laureate” tag and win the election the way he won the peace prize, by getting others to do the work for him. In what has to be considered a master-stroke if the news is for real, Obama has plans of packing of Romney onto a field trip with Green Peace associates to collect 1,00,000 signatures to save the forests. “Raam nee, vanavaasam po” is going to be the defining final line of the next debate, experts say.

Real Estate Developer bids to unite South India with a “Quit Chennai Movement”

Move baffles State Governments and Social Science teachers alike. Public Administration Department rushed into action;

A T.N based real estate developer has, in association with other developers in the region, initiated a “Quit Chennai Movement” aimed at moving the population of the city to the outskirts. The movement has striking similarities to the “Quit India Movement” including the fact that the popular property house credits itself of creating assets since 1942, the year of the movement. The claim further substantiated by the fact that the property house operates through broadcasting messages over radio & distributing pamphlets, a signature modus operandi of the leaders during the movement.

While many claim that the movement has been gaining prominence over the last decade, it has created some serious ripples only recently after the property house advertised a piece of land (located in Andhra) as just walking distance from Chennai. The anomaly missed the eye of the government officials as the advertisement was neither in Sun or Jaya TV, but in a non-primetime slot in Star Vijay. However, the authorities were biffed into action after the CM received an angry call from her counterpart in AP. It is learnt that the Public Administration Department in the State have since been referring to TTK India States Outline map and identifying the outliers. A frustrated official from the department was last seen moaning about the inevitability of such instances “We have not even been able to curb the fourth estate. These guys have so many estates!”

The property house, however, claims that the move is not a violation, but a South Indian unification movement carried out for the welfare of the citizens. “With the metro work and take diversions, we did not want people to end up in Andhra. It is with their welfare in mind that we purchased this plot of land” claimed a marketing executive from the property house. “Also ‘stretch the limits’, ‘think beyond boundaries’ used to be just some conference jargons until we decided to put them to practice” he said highlighting the flipside to actually following things discussed in such team meetings.

The movement had its own share of Gandhian support when Mr. J.P. Gandhi, renowned career consultant, purchased the first plot of land. “Ideal piece of property for a person like me whose works involves placement counseling to students in Chennai colleges located in Andhra (almost)” he said during a break from his session on “How to communicate effectively with women at workplace” in Soka Ikeda College of Arts for Women. Meanwhile “Gate-d communities are planned and executed by the adiALUs” #mokkamondays; tweeted an electronics engineer from one of the colleges in the outskirts.

In un-related news: The property developers have developed a mobile app to help car drivers to effectively reverse in a congested setting. Last heard that the app is being actively promoted by the RTO Office.

And also etymology of the day: Ettu podradhu was derived when an angry guy said “andha ateah podanum da” when he was refused a driving license.

Dunk and Fetch her!!

Duncan Fletcher, Team India Coach, has hit the headlines for all the wrong reason after the team’s wretched run in England. While there are increasing speculations of BCCI axing him from the job, legendary Football Coach Sir Alex Ferguson has defended the ex-Zimbabwean cricketer. He indeed believes Fletcher’s capabilities have nothing to do with Team India’s performance and that he would hire Fletcher in some position in United if need be.

“I don’t find anything wrong with him. It is just that his team right now is devoid of puns” commented Ferguson.

“Ferguson hit it right on the money with that point” agreed United’s Chief Executive David Gill. “In a media dominated sport, it is required to buck down and take note of the punning standards demanded by the industry” he said before going on to express how United themselves have strengthened the squad with pun friendly names to challenge the Messy, the Abide-all and the Villas of the world.

“True Story! What more do you need from your team than an opportunity to come up with twitter status: Cleverly passed, well-backed. The opposition defense thus put in Wayne” questioned a jubilant United fan enjoying the 100% start to the season. “Park assist” that’s all I ask for, bubbled a gang of girls among the United Patriots.

Back in India, people couldn’t agree more with SAF. “We are at a period when BCCI funded phrases ‘Off stump went for a walk in the park’ or ‘that went to the boundary like a tracer bullet’ don’t interest us anymore. We need puns, we need it now more than ever”, commented an obviously agitated Indian fan.

“Sportscentre Asia also ran a report on the linkage between puns and Indian Team’s winning ways with references to “Wad–e–car jeetha hai”, the headlines after India’s famous victory in 1971 and references to times when even lackluster commentators came up with “Leave the dosa and the idly. Get the uthappa”. The show ended with Gautham Bhemani commenting “Jeet keliye Har bhajan zaroori hota hai yaar” before heading to Vaishnavo Devi temple to pray for a solitary victory in the tour.

In Related News: Monty ‘Pun’esar has been recruited by the BCCI as a scout to identify cricketers with names that match the required punning standards.